Look you, how pale he glares!

Um…sorry…this doesn’t make any sense.
It makes sense metrically.
But can glaring be pale?
Wouldn’t it make sense to punctuate this: Look you, how pale! He glares!
Have any editors made this shift?
Because there’s something a little bit funny about it.
I mean it sounds good for sure.
This line has never popped out at me in hearing it this way…essentially I get all the ideas in it out of “Oh him. Look. Pale. Glare.”
So it’s fine.
But – for meaning, if I had to play the part, it might want a little separation of the ideas.
And sure, I could say, “Look you, how pale he glares!”
No problem.
But for meaning? Look you, how pale. He glares.

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