More than I used to be.
And back then, I would have told you that I didn’t lie, which I didn’t know to be the lie that it was.
I didn’t lie about the facts. My lies were not the kind that get you called a liar. I didn’t deceive anyone or misrepresent myself willfully.
But when you asked me how I was, I usually said I was fine, accompanied by a big believable smile. If you asked me if I wanted to go to the party, I’d say sure and convince both you and myself that it was true.
The thing that was tricky about my lies is that mostly believed them to be true. It was aspirational truth. If I told someone I was doing great it was because I was doing my level best to believe it to be so.
I am a lot more honest now than I’ve ever been – but I find that my honesty is a lot less socially acceptable, especially in the theatre business. Most everyone would rather hear the lie than the truth. The truth being complicated and sometimes painful.
Am I honest? I waiver between trying to be and trying not to be. That is the dance, finding the right moments or honest.