But thou wouldst not think how ill all’s here About my heart:

What a day for this line to appear!

I am all twisted up with a sense of foreboding, two varieties of sudden stress – heat and a heart that is fluttering like a curtain in a hurricane.

I’m not about to face a sword fight that will lead to my death but my system is acting like it is.

All I’m doing is going into a day of rehearsal. That is all. But all these years of roller coastering emotionally whenever I do this have lead to this day featuring the same all ill feeling about my heart that I get every time I do this.

Why do I do it?

I ask myself this question every time as well.

It’s not that I forget that this happens. I know.

It’s just that I convince myself that it’s worth it. I’m not sure it is.

But whatever inspiration makes this happen feels stronger than all of it when it begins. Inspiration beats all the other things. At least so far.

*

And again, what a day for this line to appear as I got to post it into the website, two years later. It’s inauguration day as of midnight and the hope is only just barely making its way through the fear and anxiety that something, anything, will go wrong. But it must be alright. It has to be alright. Is that hope? I think so. My fingers are crossed double hard.

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