No, no, he is dead;

It is a curious thing that whenever I run into a line like this, I can’t help running over a list of my dead. I think – ah, who are the “hes that are dead? And the first one that comes to mind is a friend, with whom I was not particularly close – only briefly intimate and sometimes contentious. But he is first, every time. Perhaps because he was the first to be lost. He is first in the line of dead. Next, is another intimate friend/lover and complicated relationship.

But it is perhaps because they died so young, and from violence, that their deaths, even almost two decades later, still resonate strongly with me.

And too – there are the more recent – the musician and actors we lost collectively recently. And my own dear Grandfather too – more recent than not – and yet longer ago than my dear Grandmother.

I do not know I have a loss list in my head until I encounter a line like this and try to read it.

This is a list of lost men.
And it is longer than the list of lost women…though that has started to grow in these last couple of years.

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