But with much forcing of his disposition.

This is the part I find hardest about working in the environments that I do. The wild insecurity of the field means that everyone spends most of their time pretending that everything is going great and that whatever new crappy thing isn’t really crappy.

I got to the point where I was no longer capable of forcing my disposition without throwing up. Partly that’s due to the extremity of the forcing but also it’s due to experience with the Feldenkrais Method. That is, I became so sensitive to the smallest change in my sense that I am actually now incapable of forcing myself into any box in which I do not fit. I catch the moments I begin to force my body before I catch myself forcing the mood and I just don’t have the ability to continue the forcing.

So I quit those jobs mostly. And while the poverty is earthshakingly frustrating and terrifying, I actually prefer it to the lying I was having to do otherwise. My disposition does better in unenforced situations.


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