You have me, have you not?

You could say I have some issues with trust. I don’t think I can blame it entirely on the team building exercise at Girl Scout camp –the one where everyone was meant to balance together on a table, looking out for one another, making sure no one was lost. The fact that I was lost, that I fell from that trust table, that I felt, in fact, pushed from that trust table – well, that’s not the only time someone let me down. In fact, before that bone breaking fall, I had fallen before, betrayed by someone or other. . .so on that ropes course, I now suspect, I held myself aloof, at the periphery, sure I would not be supported, not caught, not part of the group, so, of course, I fell instead of fighting my way into that table’s inner safety.
In a life in theatre, I’ve seen dozens of trust falls, participated in them, too – but always as the catcher, not as the faller. Friends would get upset with me, Cry out, “Don’t you trust me?” And I would protest, of course, of course- I just don’t want to fall.
But, I have been lifted, pulled from the ground, carefully, by many hands, cradled, bourn about a room and no one yet has dropped me. It’s different, that. . .it takes an equal amount of trust to allow someone to lift you up but doesn’t require a fall first.
And I guess I have fallen a lot.


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